Sunday, February 16, 2014

Truly Sorry for letting you guys down.

Well back around my last post was only shortly in those manic plan making to stay afloat moments before deep collapse into some serious depression and anxiety. I tried so hard to tough it out and tried so hard to push forward and keep my spirit up and stay positive. To use the pain in my heart and my body to help me focus forward. I truly felt I was letting myself and everyone down collapsing against the promises I made..I hate to complain too much and when it gets to the point that I feel like I'm complaining way too much I just stop talking . I wasn't able to hold it together between lonliness and illness after illness ever since the kid started school. I lost my best little buddy for the better part of the day when I've had her right by my side since she was born.. I didnt know what to do with myself with all that time and nobody around driving me crazy. It was really harsh finding myself alone most of the day throughout the week when the grieving process hit me full swing. Just being so alone after being around my family I lived with for such a long time before and after Eric lost his job. Somebody was always around but back then I needed solitude and I still do but being by myself all day every day like I hadn't experienced in such a long time was rough. Especially while that pain of loss just raged on.. I felt so isolated and I furthered the process when I shut everyone out even online as well. I just stopped.. I unraveled...  I didn't know what to say. I would begin to sit at the hard uncomfortable chair and struggle to find pleasant words to say with apologies for not fulfilling promises.. Nothingness with empty sounding excuses... Type out paragraphs then delete. I'd only find further disappointment in myself  feeling like a letdown on my promises I made to myself and others.  I've had no energy or focus to be able to work on the lady rainicorn tutorial to be honest and that just really bothers me. I wanted to share that with all of you guys.. I still want to make a tutorial for her I am just on the rebound at the moment and it can take some time.. I'm going to give myself a few more months to try to aim for a rainicorn tutorial. So now I am working to push forward and reach out again as I rebuild. I'm truly hoping to make friends and branch out to not feel so alone. I need to get my anxieties in check. I want to move forward on my promises I just have to build up to it instead of trying to change everything at once while biting back the loss I feel with new changes. I know these winter months have helped pull me under more. I usually love winter and snow but I cant wait for spring and renewal for fresh rains that wash over me like calming peace, to get out and claw into the soil and plant new life to nourish our family, to breathe in the fresh scent of newly mowed grass, to hear the birds and see the flowers. I've spent too much time just so full of pain in my heart and felt so horrible with all the colds/viruses that have come and gone since late summer/early fall. I've been so stuck in this box I've sealed up. I plan to post again soon I would like to share with you some things I've made over the quiet months to show you some of what I've been up to to try to keep myself sane. Much love to you out there reading this. Again I am terribly sorry for the no show tutorial It will be coming in 2014 though. I will work on a date as I recover myself a bit more from the wreckage and start feeling better.

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