Monday, January 9, 2012

Vent and breathe go to bed and wake up refreshed... Keep going keep trying Never give up!

I'm a little down tonight I dont know why its been a pretty painful day... Sometimes I fight that phrase so many turn to "why me?" I am stuck living in a bad situation (long story and a lot of personal history I wont bore thee with ^.~) and with this incurable genetic disorder that really takes its toll and prevents me from being the me of my dreams...  Who is that me? A far more fit & far less fat mom who can get out and go! Who can be active without worrying about a sprain/dislocation/random injury. A woman to go get at the world for all it is. Someone who isnt socially uneasy and shy, Who can keep up her daughter! To run, hike, and play all day long. Hell, even just being a mom who can drive and run necessary errands without needing someone else to take her here or there.... (my vision is totally messed up in my one eye and the other eye isnt well enough on its own...) I feel more like a burden. Here my husband is going to school doing co-op and working weekends for the moment at a pizza place and I feel nearly invisible to him sometimes because he is so busy and just really has no romantic interest at the moment for the run run run... I have to have him go to the store for us usually on his way home to save gas and etc. So lately I never go anywhere and when I do its a huge thing for us all to go. When I do go I end up collapsing in the car worse for the wear or hanging on for my sanity with pain screaming at me so bad I just cant concentrate on what I need to get or do anyway. I love him and I really know hes doing it for us all but I feel like I'm at a stand still and tonight I feel bad because I was trying to talk to him about how I'm feeling and he took it the wrong way like I'm wanting him to fix it but there is already so much he is doing anyway I couldnt expect that of anyone especially since I cant do it for myself..  I feel like my poor daughter is burdened by me too in a way.  She has been misbehaving a lot lately and I think its because she is stuck unable to flourish the way she should be able to like some kids do. I wish I could keep up and do all the things she dreams of..  She has been testing me lately and acting out... Really it makes me feel selfish for being in pain and not being able to be doing things with her like she really deserves. Its not her fault and she doesnt understand. She is such a beautiful wonderful blessing to me and has made me a better person for knowing her.. I am just having a blue day its been all day for weeks with her now and she is wearing me down... I wish I wasnt so held back by this disability there are days I pray to just be able to be able to make her meals keep up with her and get around the house. I need physical therapy and to get into a pool really REALLY bad but we have no time/money for that. As it is now we are eating garbage because we are broke so I cant afford a diet which i SEVERELY need. but still even with all this... I am very thankful for what I do have. I have clothes to wear, and food to eat (even if it is hot dogs, ramen and grilled cheese for a while), I have a roof over my head, a husband that loves me and is working his butt off for us to try to get on our feet. A daughter who I love with all of my heart and so much more really. I have to remind myself things will get better we will eventually have our own place (there is a whole big issue in itself with us living here but again another story best left unsaid...) I just pray there will be advances in Ehlers Danlos Syndrome research and that will open therapy and treatment options up for us... I use my crafts and arts as much as many times it truly hurts to do them and I know I shouldnt do them as much.. It helps like meditation a disconnection of mind from body where I am just a soul venting into a creation... I feel at peace there even the pain I can fade out like ripples in the water from giant waves crashing. I feel so selfish sometimes taking the time because my daughter needs so much and I wish I could run all day long 24/7 just for her. Right now I am trying to work forward to the shop because I also want to help her have shoes and HEALTHY food and money to be able to get by maybe take her to do things when Eric isnt at work.. I have all this craft crap from over the years when we had money and there was a sale I stocked up on supplies and all my birthday and xmas gifts are craft items heh I'm getting old! So I really decided I need to do my part of things to feel like I have something that I'm doing to try to help us. If my shop ever does start selling items that is. I'm so darn shy and awkward and it takes a great deal of self promotion. I grew up with such a stunted environment  of physical pain and abuse. I grew into an inward girl who tinkered with art projects and wrote in her journal she wouldnt share the slightest image/poem. That girl was she was too busy trying to survive the pain physically and mentally and that made her a target all the more..  It probably wont happen for me as far as artistic recognition I have no formal teaching just the love for art the love for knowing more the hunger to gain more knowledge and skill to express myself with... Its my passion in life just under wife and mother and I guess I loves my pets too hehe but as far as dreams of "what do you want to be when you grow up?" this is it... Artist creator crafter extraordinaire not that I truly feel my art is the extraordinary and I'm my own worst critic.. Creativity is my lifelong friend when I had nobody else I had my secret creations that helped me deal with the pains just for me I never let others see so that they couldnt truly see me but now I am a different person I want people to see me I want to put more personal artworks out there not just the craft side of things I have up but the fine art side that I always hid to avoid the eyes. Anyway I really am very thankful for that outlet.. I've been so fortunate with the ability to have it.. I am blessed and very very thankful for what I do have in my life as little as I feel it is some days like today when I feel sore and blue and stuck.. But who doesnt desire more from life at least sometimes... Who doesnt have blue days? I am going to turn this around look at the positives tonight... I am going to stop being so grumpy because I really am VERY blessed. I really do  have a lot to be thankful for... We all need to stop and remember that no matter how bad our environment may seem there is always someone who has a far worse landscape. Oh I pray for those tonight who are struggling in their own ways and to you I truly hope this will be the year of turn around. Bless you and let there be relief and peace to you soon. Dont be a stranger <3

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